


Whispers In The Dark

by Sira



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-12
Updated: 2012-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-31 01:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/338221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sira/pseuds/Sira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Janeway has an encounter with her past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whispers In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> A thousand thanks go to Shayenne who corrected my 1001 mistakes. Thank you, hon.
> 
> All characters depicted here belong to Paramount.

Whispers in the dark 

Rating: PG 

******************************************************************* 

Voyager, Delta Quadrant, five years into the journey 

Kathryn Janeway struggled to sit up but strong hands were keeping her lying flat on her back. Many hands, foreign hands, with only three fingers each. She twisted and kicked to fend them off but in an instant even more of them were on her, holding her down in a tight grip. She strained to look at her attackers but her vision was blurred. She wanted to speak but her vocal chords didn't want to obey. Her tongue felt big and swollen. 

Where was she and who was attacking her? 

Panic rose sharply and so she closed her eyes, willing her breathing to slow down. Instead of trying to fight, she forced herself to go limp. Her attackers were speaking in hushed voices and if she listened, she might get necessary information that would help her get out of here. 

„Her breathing isn't that erratic anymore but her pulse seems high. Just take a look at her pupils, they're dilated.“ 

„Maybe we should stop for the moment. Or stop altogether. It's as I thought: this species doesn't have the necessary prerequisites. Look at her brain waves.“ 

„But you said you could do the necessary enhancements.“ 

„I can, but I can't tell you how her body will react to it. We might cause irreparable damage.“ 

„That's a risk we have to take. Just do what I tell you. It was hard enough catching one of them and I won't waste this opportunity.“ 

Panic overwhelmed her again. She was in acute danger and she had to get out of here. But how? 

„Her vital signs seem unstable. I'll do what you want, but I'm going to sedate her. You don't want her to die before we're finished, do you?“ 

She wanted to scream but still no sound escaped her lips. She tried to struggle, to kick out at them but to no avail. Still her sight hadn't fully returned. Hands grasped her legs and she kicked out again and this time she was rewarded by a muffled cursed but before she could try again blackness engulfed her. 

 

Hands touched her shoulders and she cried out. 

„No. Nooo!“ 

 

Her eyes opened and within fractions of a second she realized that she wasn't in danger anymore. This was sickbay and Voyager's EMH looked down at her, a worried expression on his face. There was another face in the background. Chakotay. 

She tried to sit up but the doctor held her down gentle but determined. 

„Please keep still, Captain. I haven't finished my examination yet.“ 

She stopped her struggle, her eyes searching Chakotay's. 

„What ... has ... happened?“ 

Each word was a struggle. Her throat was dry and sore and her voice hardly more than a raw whisper. 

Chakotay smiled at her and came nearer until he stood right beside the biobed. 

„We don't know, Captain. But let's talk later. You need your rest.“ 

His hand took hers and squeezed gently. „Everything on Voyager is running smoothly and as soon as you get back a bit of your strength we'll talk. I promise, Kathryn.” 

Before she could protest, exhaustion overcame her again and she was asleep even before the warmth of his hand had left hers. 

 

It took her the best part of three days to regain her strength, and even then the EMH was reluctant to release her. 

„Captain, I would strongly advise -“ 

„Objection noted, Doctor. I expect your presence in half an hour in the conference room for a senior officers' meeting". I want answers and I want them now. Too much time has been wasted already.“ 

She left sickbay with a confident stride. No one needed to know that images of her capture were haunting her each time she closed her eyes, or that she felt like tiny ants were crawling around in her head. There was an explanation for what had happened. There always was, and she was intent on finding it as soon as possible. 

After a quick shower, she made her way to the bridge. She ignored the worried glances of her crew and answered every question about her wellbeing with a smile and „I'm fine, thank you.“. Within ten minutes, her senior officers had assembled in Voyager's conference room. 

„Ladies and Gentlemen, I am thankful that you could get here on such short notice. We're here to find answers to what happened to myself and the Delta Flyer on the way back from Kharon. Unfortunately, my own memories are rather confused and not helpful. Furthermore, we need to know if it was just a single occurrence or if it is likely to happen again.“ 

She quickly recounted her sparse memories of how she'd left Khoran six days ago in the Delta Flyer, Tom Paris with her. One hour before their scheduled meeting with Voyager, her memories suddenly broke off. She gave an exact as possible account of the few minutes in the hands of aliens, before she finished with waking up on Voyager. „Any ideas? Tom, what did you note in the Delta Flyer?“ 

Voyager's helmsman shrugged. „Not much, I'm afraid. One moment you were sitting right beside me checking the controls, the next there was a bright flash that almost blinded me. It took me some seconds to regain my sight and when I looked around you were gone. I scanned the Flyer and the surrounding area at once, but nothing. I contacted Voyager and they broke off cartographing the sector and were with me in under twenty minutes. The scary thing is that the Flyer didn't record anything unusual at all.“ 

„Thank you, Tom. Harry, Tuvok, did you record any signs of alien ships in the sector?“ 

„Negative, Captain,“ Tuvok answered, and Harry Kim nodded his agreement. 

„We started long range scans directly after speaking with Lt. Paris but there were no signs of any ships in the sector. We kept up the scans in the following hours and days but nothing. At the same time Commander Chakotay spoke with Khoran,“ Tuvok said. 

„That's right, Captain. I talked to Chancellor Renero but neither had he any idea of what might have happened to you, nor did he know of any similar happenings in the past. Of course, he might have lied, but I don't think he did. The Khoranians offered their help at once, and three of their ships started to scan the area together with Voyager. But in fact there wasn't even the tiniest sign of you or as much as a trace of what might have been happened.“ He lifted his hands in helpless surrender. 

"Two days later, you reappeared as suddenly as you'd vanished. The computer was programmed to alert us if it detected your biosigns. We found you unconscious in the Delta Flyer in the shuttle bay, and we transported you to sickbay. Apart from the Khoranian ships, we couldn't detect any ships in the vicinity." 

Janeway nodded at Chakotay. „Thank you, Commander. Doctor, what are the results of your examination?“ 

The faces of the senior officers turned towards Voyager's EMH. 

„None, basically. Your body was weakened by dehydration and missing nourishment but otherwise there were no signs of any misuse or experiments as you seem to remember, although your brain showed unusually high activity in the frontal lobe. It still did this morning to be exact. I believe you said that the aliens indicated your brain wasn't suitable for whatever they had planned?" 

He didn't wait for an answer before continuing. „All that I can definitely tell you is that your brain is radiating alpha waves which are, as we know, essential for telepathic abilities. You assure me that you aren’t receiving any telepathic signals. Furthermore, Lt. Tuvok didn't pick up any unusual telepathic contact from you. Of course, we can run further scans and I would advise you to do so but I ...“

The meeting went on for over half an hour without any concrete result. In the end, all they came up with were mere assumptions: 

Maybe Janeway had been captured by some aliens that wanted to run some experiments on her. 

Maybe they were a telepathic species that hadn't seen humans before. 

Maybe they wanted to see if the human brain was capable of telepathy. 

Maybe they tried to make Janeway telepathic. 

Maybe Janeway's memories were mere hallucinations. 

Maybe those aliens had some unknown cloaking device that made detection impossible. 

Maybe it wouldn't happen to her or any of the crew again. 

Maybe it would. 

Maybe there would be no physical consequences for Voyager's captain. 

Maybe there would. 

Maybe ... 

Over the next two years, apart from the nightmares she had from time to time, nothing made Kathryn Janeway remember her kidnap by unknown aliens. 

Then Voyager found a way home. 

 

Indiana, three months after Voyager's arrival on Earth 

Gretchen Janeway shook her head and sighed. „Kathryn, you can't possibly be serious. "This is no weather to go outside." 

Kathryn buttoned her warm cloat and went over to her mother, giving her a quick hug. „I know, mother, but if I don't get some fresh air now I'm going to go crazy here. I know that I can't speed up debriefings, but waiting for the final decisions about the destiny of my crew and my own is torture. They have been conferring for three days now. No, I can't take this one second longer.“ 

She opened the kitchen door that led to the old farmhouse porch. „Don't worry. I'll be back soon.“ 

„I hope so.“ 

Closing the door behind her, Kathryn made her way toward the lake that was about a mile from her mother's house. The quietness of this place had always called out to her and she looked forward to some time alone. She liked to be with her mother, to be in the cozy farmhouse with the homely smells of coffee and fresh-baked cake but at the moment she needed some time to sort out her thoughts. 

Although the sky was gray and it was getting foggy, she wasn't worried. She could find her way in the dark if needed, knowing all the paths in this area since her childhood. It took her the best part of two hours to round the lake and when she reached the point where she had started she realized that she hadn't consciously noticed where she had gone, so engrossed she had been in her own world. 

She still felt frustrated; even out here she couldn't shake off penetrating thoughts of what those almighty admirals would decide about her crew. She knew that there was nothing she could do anymore but this knowledge didn't make her feel better. Other people were making the decisions now, she should learn to accept it. Kathryn sighed; it was getting cold and she was thirsty and longed for a coffee. It was time to get back home. 

After another quarter of an hour, the fog was so thick that she couldn't see her own feet or even her own hand when she lifted it to her eyes. Ahead of her the path seemed to part and she stopped. There were no parting paths on the way from her mother's house to the lake. Come to think of it, there was no such split that she knew of in the surrounding area. She must have gone wrong somewhere or this path must be new. What did she know though, having been gone for over seven years? Come to think of it, the last time she had walked this particular lake path was with Justin, 15 years ago. No wonder she was lost; the vegetation had changed, and she was sure some of the houses she used to know had gone. What was with the two-story cabin built by old James Murchinson and hadn't Edna Meyer's cabin been just here?“ 

She sighed and decided on the left path. Her vision didn't improve during the next minutes and she walked carefully so that she wouldn't stumble. After what seemed to be another mile she knew that she had no idea where she was. Should she turn back and try to find the junction again or keep following this path in the hope that it would bring her near a house eventually? 

„May I help you?“ a muffled, male voice from behind asked her. 

She turned around, heart beating faster at the unexpected voice, but she could only see the outline of a body taller and heavier than her. 

„Maybe. To be honest I have no idea where I am. I must have taken a wrong path somewhere along the way.“ 

The figure chuckled quietly „No wonder. The fog was unexpected and is unusually thick. Well, you are approximately a quarter of an mile from the Huston's farm to the east and half a mile from the Smith's farm to the west.“ 

„I am afraid I know neither the Hustons nor the Smiths but where will I end up if I follow this path?" Usually my sense of direction is good, but right now I'm rather lost. I think this path goes east, but I'm not sure. She shrugged although she knew that the man wouldn't be able to see her any better than she was able to see him. 

„Yes, you'd be heading east but to reach the Huston's farm you have to take the next path to the right but you might not see it on first glance because it starts in a bend and is rather small at its beginning. But where do you want to go? Maybe there's a faster way.“ 

„That would be nice. To search for any landmarks in this weather doesn't sound like my idea of fun. But to come back to your question, I want to reach the Janeway farm.“ She started to rub her arms. The cold and humid air was slowly getting to her. 

„Ah, the Janeway farm. I'm afraid that it's quite a way from here but if you want I could lead you. I was on my way to the Baker's, two farms to the right, so it's basically on my way.“ 

She didn't know if she should trust this man but she wasn't really sure if she could find her way back alone. 

„Sounds good. Thank you. But tell me; how do you manage to find anything right now? Your eyes must be exceptionally good. I thought I'd knew this area rather well but now I'm not so sure.“ 

The figure started to walk back the way Kathryn had come and she followed swiftly not wanting to lose sight of him. 

„Let's just say I know this area quite well, even in this weather. So you're visiting Gretchen? She's some charming lady.“ 

„You know my mother?“ She didn't even know why she felt surprised. In these rural areas everyone seemed to know everyone, even in today's time. 

„Oh, you're her daughter? Which one, if I may ask. Phoebe or Kathryn?“ 

There was a tone in his voice that made her believe she had heard this voice before but in this weather all noises were distorted so she wasn't sure she could trust her feeling. 

„Kathryn. Do you live here? Are you one of mother's neighbors?“ 

„No, I'm not a neighbor of hers. So you're Voyager's famous heroine? It must be good to be back on Earth again, isn't it?“ He stopped dead in his tracks. „Sorry, I don't want to appear nosy. I can hardly imagine what it must be like for you? Questions everywhere. Just forget I said something.“ 

„It's okay. You're right about the questions though. I knew Voyager's arrival would be the topic of the day and most probably of the next few weeks but interest is greater than I'd imagined. Everybody wants to hear tales of the Delta Quadrant. She shook her head and paused for some moments. „But yes, it's wonderful to be back home. When I was just another Starfleet captain in the Alpha quadrant I enjoyed being at home but all I really wanted was to explore space, to go on another mission. When we were lost though, all I could dream of was getting home. Isn't it funny? Most humans don't seem to value things until they've lost them?“ 

She closed her mouth abruptly. She was pouring her heart out to someone she had never seen before. That kind of behavior was not like her at all. She bit her lower lip. For all she knew this guy could be some reporter. Somehow she had felt at ease with him, despite the fact that she knew him for all of ten minutes. Why? She opened her mouth to ask him who he was and what had brought him out here in this weather but before she could say anything he started to speak in a low tone. 

„I know what you mean. Once, when I had it all, I didn't appreciate it. I was reckless. I mean, I was young and the future belonged to me. I acted responsibly and did what was expected of me. But in the end it was life on a fast track. I enjoyed each and every risk and never did I pause to see that all I wanted was right beside me.“ He stopped again, sighing. „I guess you can imagine the end of story, can't you?“ 

„I think I can.“ 

He resumed walking. „Right. I lost it all. "It's one of the cruelest sides of life: that insight comes when it's too late. He laughed , a strange noise in a surrounding where all life seemed to have disappeared. „Well, I don't want to preach here. No one can change the past, or would it be better to say no one should change it?“ 

„What do you mean by that?“ The tone of her voice was cutting. She acted rude but at the moment she couldn't care less. 

What did he know? Starfleet had done its best to make the public believe that Voyager came home with no outside assistance. What was the official version again? That they found an uninhabited Borg cube and that thanks of the help of Seven of Nine they had been able to install transwarp on Voyager? 

Directly after Voyager's arrival on Earth the crew had been briefed to never mention Admiral Janeway, not even to their families. Punishments would be severe if anyone ever dared to break this agreement. 

What would public think if they knew that the future version of Starfleet's golden girl contaminated a timeline for selfish purposes? The question would arise as to what other secrets Starfleet might keep. She knew there many; Voyager's sudden arrival on Earth, and the classified Omega molecules only being two examples. 

„I meant nothing. Really. I ... well, I just remembered that there were some Starfleet captains who had experiences with time travel. Captain Kirk, for example. And you being a Starfleet captain yourself ... It was meant as a joke. I ... I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings somehow.“ 

„No, it's me that is sorry. I shouldn't have bitten your head off. There was no need to react aggressively to an innocent remark.“ At least she hoped it was innocent. „It's only that you can't imagine how often people asked me if Voyager had any experiences with time travel and what Earth was like in earlier times. I guess they thought they had made some smart joke.“ 

She didn't like to lie but she hoped the man walking beside her believed her. 

„People like to think they're smart, don't they? Who doesn't, to be honest. I'm sorry. Let me tell you something really funny as compensation. Well, today I think it's funny, but back then I wasn't of this opinion. It was ...“ 

He told her a long-winded story of the time when he'd been a student and she found that he was a talented storyteller and more than once she laughed out loud. 

„So, now you know why I started to develop an affinity for mirrors.“ He stopped. „You see this path here, the one to the right? If you follow it, it'll lead you home within five minutes. I gotta hurry now, or I'll be late. It was a pleasure getting to know you, Kathryn.“ 

Before she could reply, he had vanished within the fog. She was dumbfounded and considered calling out for him but that would look ridiculous. Why had he left that abruptly? She hadn't even had the chance to say thank you. Should she contact him from home? Maybe her mother knew would know where to reach him. 

Then she realized that she didn't even knew his name. 

 

San Francisco, seven months after Voyager's arrival on Earth 

The week had been long and Kathryn was glad when she could leave Starfleet headquarters at eight in the evening. She didn't have any plans for later and so she decided to walk home. It would take her almost an hour and fog was rolling in from the bay but this was always better than sitting in her tiny apartment, alone with a book and the ticking of her old-fashioned clock. 

She shook her head at this bout of self pity. She had a good job and a family that loved her. Next weekend she would be with Phoebe and her family, and in a month she would spend a week with her mother. Not everyone of Voyager's former crew members had come home into such a welcoming environment. Furthermore, she should be thankful that her workload left her some time for herself. 

Spontaneously she decided to make a little detour that would take her past her favorite bistro. Her fridge was empty and she didn't feel like eating replicated food. After forty minutes she reached her destination and ordered a sandwich and a coffee to go. The smells were enticing and her stomach let out a soft growl. She shouldn't have skipped lunch. 

In the meantime, it had become dark outside and the fog had crept up the city's hills. Visibility was reduced to a minimum and the people she passed were mere outlines. Although fog was a regular companion in San Francisco, she could only remember a couple of times when the fog had been this thick. The last time she was out in weather this bad wasn't here though, but in Indiana, when she had met the man whose name she had never learned. 

What might he be doing right now? 

A useless question, but she couldn't help but wonder. She rounded the next corner, taking a sip of her coffee when she almost ran into something solid - a man who stood directly around the corner. She stopped abruptly at the very last moment and some hot liquid spilled onto her coat. 

„Damn!“ 

The man turned around. 

„Everything okay, Miss?" He stiffened. „Kathryn? Kathryn Janeway?“ 

She had heard this voice before. It was the voice of the stranger she had met in Indiana four months ago. 

How could this be? Was this real or was she hallucinating? Had this guy followed her here? But why wait four month before making another contact? This time she was determined to get some answers. 

„Well, hello. Aren't you the man who was so kind and guided me home in terrible fog in Indiana some months ago?“ 

„That's me. How are you? What a coincidence to meet you again.“ He sounded surprised. 

„Is it a coincidence?“ 

„What else? You sound rather angry. What's the matter?“ 

„Let's just say that I don't believe in coincidences like this. What are the chances of meeting, first in Indiana and then in San Francisco some months later, but both times in weather that doesn't allow me to see you properly?" And don't forget that I don't even know your name or who you are, while you seem to know a lot about me. So tell me, who are you and what do you want from me?“ 

She took a step into his direction, but he backed off. 

„Listen, Kathryn. I understand why you don't trust me but I don't want to harm you. I could never, and I mean never, hurt or harm you. Although it might not be exactly coincidence that we met here now, it's not my doing that we both are here right now?“ 

„And again, you haven't really answered my questions. Who are you, and if it wasn't you, then who engineered this meeting?" 

The man moved away from her. „Come, Kathryn. I'll accompany you to your apartment. We can talk on the way." 

For a moment she was undecided. Caution advised her to let him go and seek the security of a more crowded place but her instinct told her that this man wasn't dangerous. He had almost vanished out of sight when curiosity got the better of her. 

„Why don't you just answer my questions?“ she asked when she caught up to him. 

„Partly because I can't, and partly because you wouldn't believe me. At least not now. Although I can tell you there's no one manipulating us.“ 

„Ok, then for the third time. Who are you? Or let me formulate it even better; what's your name?“   
„   
I'm sorry but I can't tell you. Not right now. Just think of me as an a friendly ghost.“ 

She snorted. „And are you? A ghost?“ 

He laughed out loud. „Would you believe me if I told you I was?“ 

„No. I don't believe in ghosts. Voyager encountered more than one strange species on its way home but ghosts weren't among them. It seemed there was nothing you wouldn't find there and if I didn't find them there, I won't find them here.“ 

He laughed again. „I thought you would say something like that. Then we better postpone the question as to what I am to a later time. Tell me, how are you? I heard you're an admiral now.“ 

„It seems you hear a lot. Though why should I answer your questions, when you don't want to answer any of mine?“ 

The dark shape shook his head. „What you’re implying here is not quite right. I want to answer your questions but not if you won't believe a word of what I'm saying.“ 

She let out the breath she had been holding. „I'm tired of this. I don't want to play your stupid game any longer. Tell me what you want from me and then be gone, Mister. 

„But, Kathryn, it's not ... „ 

„Who said you could call me Kathryn. Admiral Janeway or Ms. Janeway will do just fine.“ 

„Ok, then Admiral Janeway it is.“ 

He was making fun of her. 

„What would you think if I told you that you know quite well who I am?“ 

„I'd say you lie.“ 

„Then I'd have to say that you're wrong. Isn't there at least something that gives you the feeling that you know me? Come on, be honest with yourself.“ 

How could he know what she was thinking? 

„Ok, I have to admit that I thought I knew your voice.“ 

They neared another corner and he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. 

„Well, that's a beginning. You must forgive me though. I'm afraid that I can't accompany you to your apartment after all.“ 

„What's the matter? Do you have another woman to scare?“ 

„Scare? You aren't scared, are you?“ He didn't wait for her answer and when he spoke it was in a tender tone that send a shiver down her back. „I have to go. We will meet again and maybe your mind will be more open then. One day you'll know who I am and that there was never a woman I loved more than you.“ 

He moved away quickly but this time she was determined to follow. He rounded the corner after a few seconds and she broke into a run that had more liquid spilling out of her coffee cup, but when she reached the corner, he was gone. There was no trace of him. She walked down the road at a fast pace but couldn't spot him anywhere. She considered asking a group of people on the street for him but what could she have said? That she was searching for a man she couldn’t describe? When she reached the end of the road she gave up and decided to go home. Her mind was racing with questions. 

Now, it wasn't so much who he was and what he might want from her, but where she had heard this voice before and why he had said he loved her. It was as if the answers were waiting for her, just out of reach but as much as she tried to concentrate she couldn't bring it out into the light. 

When she reached her apartment she changed into more comfortable clothes and sat down with her sandwich but she couldn't bring herself to eat, her hunger long gone. She stared out of the window into a night that was still clouded by fog. 

He had said they would meet again. Did she want that? And when they did, what might she learn about him and herself? 

 

Indiana, eight months after Voyager's arrival on Earth 

It was another foggy day and she was busy setting the table when she looked out of the window and saw his figureless shape approach the house. It was the way he hunched his shoulders against the creeping cold that made her see the truth and that moment everything fell into place. She dropped the spoon she was holding. It couldn't be. It was impossible and defied any logic but she knew this was real. 

She shook her head and willed herself to move. She fetched her coat and went outside where he was already waiting for her. 

„Hello, Kathryn. I hope you don't mind me visiting you.“ 

Her throat was dry. Why hadn't she realized it the first time they met? Or had she? Had her subconscious told her truth, a truth that she hadn't wanted to accept? 

„Hello, ... Justin,“ she said in a husky voice. 

„You realized who I am. That's good.“ There was the gentle tone in his voice again. „Would you mind if I sit down beside you?“ 

„Be my guest.“ Still her voice wouldn’t completely obey her . 

When he sat on the swing hammock it didn't move but how could it? Justin Tighe was dead. He had died almost fifteen years ago. 

She turned to get a better look at him and this time she saw more than just a black shape. She could see his outline, translucent but unmistakably his. He looked still as young as the day she had seen him for the last time. 

Justin laid his hand on hers and although she couldn't feel the touch, for a second it was like a fine wind blowing over her hand. 

„I guess I don't understand.“ 

„I know, Kathryn.“ 

„How is this possible?“ 

„Do you think an explanation would make it easier to believe?“ 

She shrugged. „You mean the explanation you can give me is harder to believe than your appearance here? That might be, but you know me, don't you? I always like to have the answers.“ 

The shock was slowly fading away, but part of her felt numb, as if accepting this as real, would overwhelm her. 

He laughed quietly. „Oh yes, I know you well and you'll have your answers. As you've surely figured out by now, I am what people call a ghost although I'd say this is a deficient expression. At least not the sort that haunts houses or people.“ He laughed a bit louder. "We are gone. I don't even know if there is a heaven or not, because although I'm Justin, at the same time, I'm not". It sounds complicated and crazy, doesn't it? It's a part of a person's energy, of their memories and personality that survive. But you can't see it or feel it because it exists in another dimension. You might ask if this is heaven but I can't say because it's not a conscious existence most of them time. However, only ... „ 

„In another dimension? What do you mean by that?“ 

„Still as impatient as ever, aren't you?“ He was teasing her and she rolled her eyes. 

„A captain's curse. You get used to getting immediate answers but please continue.“ 

He smiled at her. „As I was about to say, only a very few races are able to pick up this energy, to communicate with us. The brains of most species aren't capable of grasping this dimension we exist in. And before you ask; no, scanners can't read it either. The interesting thing is that humans aren't among the species able to see us and that you can is surprising to say the least. Do you have any idea why?“ 

She shook her head. „I can't. I have no ... „ Suddenly memories came back to her. Memories she had thought buried. Breathing became harder. 

„Kathryn? Is everything okay? Kathryn, please look at me.“ 

She tried to focus on his voice and slowly her pulse calmed down . 

„I'm sorry,“ she said when she had calmed down again. „I just remembered something. In our fifth year in the Delta quadrant, unknown aliens abducted me but we never found out who they were or why they took me. The only thing I remember is waking up one time and hearing them talk about an experiment they wanted to run, but they didn't think my brain was suitable. They decided to do it nonetheless, and the last thing I remember is that they sedated me. Our EMH never found out what they did with me and after a while even the nightmares stopped haunting me.“ 

„I guess there you have your explanation.“ He remained silent for a while, staring out into the bad weather. „Although I, too, have no idea who did this to you and why. It brought me here though and it's good to see you again.“ He smiled at her. 

"It's good to see you too, Justin. I have one question though. You say you don't exist consciously. So why are you here right now and why do you only come when it’s impossible to see more than your outline?" 

„That's two question if I’m not mistaken.“ He chuckled. „I came because you called me, and it was no coincidence that it was when you couldn't see me clearly. Yes, you wanted to see me and yet at the same time you didn’t. Had you seen me properly you wouldn't have believed that it was really me, would you? Denying our meeting would have meant that you would have closed your mind for the possibility of another meeting though.“ 

„I didn't call for you.“ 

„Really? Haven't you been thinking of me in those instances? Think about it.“ 

She broke eye contact and let her thoughts wander to both times they had met before. The day in Indiana when she had rounded the lake, waiting for the result of the debriefings, had weighed hard on her. She remembered she had thought that life wasn't fair to her, that she had lost so many battles in life, beginning with Justin's death. How much had she wished she could apologize to him and say goodbye. 

She looked up at him in surprise but he just smiled. She thought back to the day in San Francisco and there too he had flitted through her head. 

„You're right,“ she finally said. „What I don’t understand though is, why didn’t you appear to me when I thought about you on Voyager and why didn’t I meet any other ghosts? What about my father or the crew members I lost? I’m almost ready to accept that you couldn’t appear when I’d been able to see you clearly. You’re right, I’d have doubted my eyes but there were many times, many nights I thought about you. There were many times in the dark that dead crew members haunted me but never literally. I don’t understand. I’d have loved to see you, to talk to you. I’m confused.“

„That’s no wonder. I’m sorry that I didn’t express myself better. To see a ghost it needs three things. You must have strong emotions towards them, you have to call them and this is the most important point - you have to be ready to believe in their existence. Yes, you've called me before in the past and I’ve been right there with you but you could neither see nor hear me. You didn’t really’ want to see, you weren’t prepared to deal with me. Both times we met before though, you wanted to see me and you did, but only my outline as you hadn’t been ready to accept the whole truth by then.“

Kathryn shifted uncomfortably. „Does that mean that I would be able to see others, if I only feel strongly enough and if I believe I can?“

„Yes, that’s possible. If you can see me, you are able to see others, but only if you really want to. Despite what ghost stories tell you, we don’t come unbidden.“

He watched her closely. „Is everything okay? You look quite pale.“

„Well, you know when I thought about you. I ... I thought that I wanted to apologize to you. For being to blame for your death. I failed you. I am sorry, Justin. Sorrier than you can imagine.“ 

„Don't be. It wasn't your fault. What could you have possibly done? Do you think that if you had saved one of us you would have felt better? You would have chosen one life over the other. I don't think you would have wanted to live with that choice and one thing that's certain: you couldn't have saved both of us." 

„I know but that doesn't make it any easier. I wished I could have saved you and I guess part of me will never accept that I couldn't." Her eyes grew bleak, and the silence spread around them before she spoke again. "I wonder... Will I ever see my father?" 

He shrugged. „I don't know. As I said, it's possible but being dead doesn't mean that you have all the answers.“ 

„Well, I'm glad that I could see you one more time again though. You won't appear again, am I right?“ 

„No, I won't. Once you made your peace with a ghost of your past he won’t be back and I’m afraid it's almost time to go.“ 

„But I still have so many questions.“ 

„I know. But do you really need all the answers? Think about it? How boring life would be without any questions. It's our curiosity that keep us humans going, isn't it?“ 

She sighed. „It is, but what if I said that I don't want to let you go. Not again.“ 

His smile was tender and his eyes locked with hers. „I'd say that I feel the same but that it isn't meant to be. I'd say that I loved you more than I can tell you; that if I had the chance to turn back time, I wouldn't take so many risks and would concentrate on what mattered most. You. We can't turn back time though and have to go on. Let us be thankful for this chance to meet one last time.“ 

„You're right,“ she whispered. „I know that you're right but tell that to my heart.“ 

„Your heart is okay, Kathryn. You don't really believe that it is still bound to me, do you? You know it's not. You have to look into the future. Concentrate on the one who is still alive and in reach.“ 

She snorted. „Nice idea but unfortunately Mark decided to marry another woman while I was lost in the Delta quadrant.“ She paused for a moment. „Don't think I hold a grudge. He thought I was dead and why should he have thought anything else? What were the chances that Voyager was still intact and her crew alive? Think about how many of Voyager's original crew died. No, he was right to seek a new love, to find happiness. He suffered more than he should have. My work for Starfleet sent him through hell and back. I'm happy for him, just a little sad from time to time.“ 

„And that's all?“ 

„What do you mean?“ 

„You really want me to believe that it's Mark who is haunting your dreams? That he's the one you'd like to spend your future with?“ 

She averted her eyes. „Who else should there be?“ 

„Don't play games with me, Kathryn.“ His voice was still gentle. „You can talk openly to me. Not only should you know that you can trust me but who else could I tell of this conversation? Only you can see me, right?“ 

She looked up again. „Okay, maybe there's someone else. There's ... there's Chakotay but it just didn't work out. Nothing ever happened between us and at the end of our journey he found love somewhere else.“ 

„With Seven?“ 

„Yes, with Seven. You have the second sight, haven't you?“ 

„But isn't it over for months now?“ 

„And? Didn't you just say that one can't turn back time. Chakotay and I had our chance, but we missed it. I made us miss it.“ 

„But Chakotay's is still alive. He's free, you're free and you still have feelings for him.“ 

She raised an eyebrow. „And?“ 

„And you should go and find out if there's still a chance for the two of you. Don't wait until too much time has passed. It might hurt like hell if he isn't interested, but your heart will heal in time and then you can find happiness elsewhere." But if he’s interested, the future will belong to you.“ 

„Are you into matchmaking nowadays?“ 

„Come on, I was serious. Take this advice from someone who can't take any advice any more. Don't be stubborn and forget about your doubts, if only for a few days, until you've had time to talk to him. You've lost enough in this life, Kathryn. Now it's time to be happy.“ 

In the back of the house a door closed. Justin got up and smiled at her. 

„Now I really have to go. We don't want to scare your mother, do we?“ 

He leaned down to her and her lips tingled where his mouth brushed hers. He turned and walked down the steps. The door to the porch opened and Kathryn turned to her mother. 

„Kathryn, why are you sitting out there in this weather? Come in, I'll make us some coffee.“ Gretchen vanished into the kitchen again and Kathryn turned hastily but there was no trace of Justin. 

He was gone; this time for good. 

 

Montana, ten months after Voyager's arrival on Earth 

Chakotay was back on Earth for about three week when Kathryn decided to pay him a visit. She had asked for him two months ago but had learned that he had requested some leave to visit his relatives on Dorvan. Now he was on a archeological excavation in Montana. They had found skeletal remains that weren't humans and some debris they supposed to be of a ship. 

It was early evening when Kathryn reached the excavation site near Billings. Apart from Chakotay and two students everyone seemed to have gone home for the weekend. She spotted him kneeling on the floor, studying something intently and she approached him slowly. 

He he had just lifted something from the ground and when she came nearer she could see that it was a piece of metal, most probably from the ship they were excavating. 

„Good evening, Chakotay.“ 

He turned, clearly startled and got up from the ground, shaking his head lightly as if to persuade himself that this was real. 

„Kathryn? What are you doing here? Or is it Admiral?“ 

„Well, it's good to see you too. If you ask if I'm here for business I am not.“ 

If he was surprised he didn't show it. He patted some dust off his trousers. 

„What else might have brought you to the middle of nowhere?“ 

„You.“ 

„Me? What have I done?“ he asked, raising one eyebrow slightly. 

"Isn't it enough to say that I missed my best friend?“ She gave him a crooked smile. 

„More than enough. I missed you, too.“ He smiled at her. „You know, it wasn't necessary to come all the way up here. You could have always called me.“ 

She nodded. „I know but I just wanted to see you. Any chance of getting a coffee here?“ 

„Actually, yes. Come on, we have a portable replicator unit over there.“ 

He led her to a tent a hundred yards away. There was a lot of equipment lying around, making the small room look messy and stuffed. Chakotay went over to the replicator unit that was placed between a cabinet hosting tools and a stack of shovels. He ordered two coffees and handed both cups to Kathryn. 

„Could you take them, please? I'd offer you a seat in here but as you can see there's no room for a tiny mouse, let alone us. I know a nice place to sit down though. It takes just a second.“ He smiled and turned around, looking for something in the chaos. After a minute his eyes lit up and he went deeper into the tent where he drew two folding chairs out of a corner. 

„If you'd follow me.“ He grinned and led her out. 

Kathryn looked around but only saw the grassy plains with the mountains in the far distance. She raised her eyebrow but didn't comment when Chakotay led her to a spot a good five hundred yards away from the excavation site. He unfolded the chairs and motioned to Kathryn to sit down. He sat down beside her and she handed him one of the coffee cups. 

„So what's so special on this place?“ Kathryn asked after a while. 

„Special?“ 

„I noticed the the marks of a chair on the ground, so someone must sit here regularly. Most probably that would be you.“ 

He chuckled. "I'd forgotten how observant you are. You're, of course, right. When possible I sit here every afternoon, watching the sunset. It's the most peaceful time of the day.“ 

„But why here? This spot. What's the difference between here and let's say a spot ten yards to the east or to the west?“ 

„There's none. As it happened I just stopped here and come back every evening. Not everything happens for a reason.“ He took a sip of his coffee. „So tell me what brought you out here and don't tell me it's just because you missed me.“ 

She grinned at him. „Not everything happens for a reason.“

He laughed. „Ok, you got me. If I learned one thing about you in all the time we worked together it’s that you don’t do anything without a reason.“

She took her time before answering and took another sip of her coffee. "What if I told you I had a visit from a ghost who told me I should go and mend our friendship?“ 

He turned and studied her face. 

„I don't know. Did you meet a ghost? And do you think our friendship needs to be mended?“ 

„Yes, I think it does. After Voyager reached Earth, no one's had much contact". 

„Well, I did try to contact you a few times ... „ 

„I know, Chakotay. I thought you might want some time for yourself, some time for you and Seven. I didn't want to intrude and later on â€¦ well, I had plenty of work. I had hardly time for my family as it was.“ 

He laughed but it wasn't a pleasant sound. 

„Kathryn ... please.“ 

She held his gaze. 

„Okay, I didn't feel comfortable around the two of you. You know, you've been my best friend for so long and I felt responsible for Seven since the moment she came on board. It was strange to see two of my friends suddenly in love with each other. And then, three is a crowd. And it was sudden. In this cases three are always one too many.“ 

He looked away from her. „However, it's past now. What's this about being visited by a ghost?“

She sighed. „It's a long story, Chakotay.“ 

„ I'm not going anywhere soon.“ 

„Do you believe in ghosts?“ 

„I don't know if I believe in physical manifestations of ghosts but I believe that our spirit remains.“ 

She nodded. „And what if I told you that there is at least one race in the Delta quadrant who can see ghosts as a visible presence?" 

"Is there a reason you didn't tell me before? Or did I forget encountering them? Or if we all encountered them and I just forgot it.“ 

„Something happened to me when I vanished in our fifth year. It changed me, although I didn't know it back them.“ She took the last sip of her coffee. „However, I ... I met Justin.“ 

„Justin? Who is ...“ He stopped, startled. „ We are talking about your former fiancÃ¨ here, right.“ 

„We are.“ 

She told him in brief words of the times she met Justin and he listened, clearly fascinated. 

„That's amazing. I don't know of anyone who ever had a similar experience. At least ...“He stopped and looked at her. Kathryn, what's the matter? You look disturbed.“ 

She tried to smile at him but failed. 

„You see, Justin told me something.“ 

„Something?“ 

„He said I should try to make things right with you, that I deserve to be happy.“ 

„You do.“ He looked at her cautiously. „And you think I could make you happy?“ 

„Yes. I do.“ 

He got up from his seat and kneeled down in front of her. 

„You know, it makes me happy to hear this. The only question now is, will you let me make you happy, Kathryn?“ His voice was low, almost husky and for a moment the breath caught in her throat. 

„I will.“ 

He smiled and leaned into her, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss. 

 

It was the middle of the night when Kathryn woke up. Chakotay was lying behind her, his arms around her waist. His snoring told her that he was still fast asleep and a fine smile played around her mouth. Who would have thought that in the end everything could be that easy? 

Although if it hadn't been for Justin ... 

What would he think if he could see her right now? 

Kathryn wished she could thank him but he had said he would be gone for good. Although if she wanted it desperately enough ...? She tried to think about Justin, conjuring his picture in her mind but nothing happened. After a few minutes she knew that it was hopeless. 

„Thank you, Justin. Wherever you are,“ she murmured quitely. 

She heared Chakotay yawn beside her and his hand started to caress her side. She smiled and turned around to face Chakotay. 

„Hey, sleepyhead.“ 

THE END


End file.
